Aussie Shiraz

Heading on Home

2005-08-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

Am still feeling like absolute crap. Also am v.disappointed as bottom is now resembling two over-inflated balloons stuffed into well fitting pants....sigh.

Due to hormonal abnormalities I will now recommence using my old site Aussie Mama.

Pregnancy

2005-08-19T23:15:00.000-07:00

Pregnancy is a time for joy and beauty, it's a time when life is wonderous and magic......but not for me...I am really struggling with morning sickness, some days I can barely keep down all my expensive chocolate. I cannot read more than five lines of writing, (one on the computer) without my head spinning and my stomach churning. For this reason I won't be posting for a while...I might add something from time to time....nausea permitting. I'll try to pick up again when the sickness eases.....Until then...

Hate that

2005-08-19T22:45:00.000-07:00

Am not enjoying being pregnant as am subject to bouts of nausea, unreasonable grumpiness and fat bottom. Also... hate husband....hate argumentitive teenagers.....hate smell of McDonalds as have to pass every day enroute to buy chocolate......Hate fat bottom too..

Where have all the firemen gone

2005-08-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

Where have all the firemen gone......haven't seen my hunky fire officer for ages, probably because I am a chocolate addicted, washed out ex-alcoholic.......

Anyway, in answer to some questions, well actually one question, I am 6 weeks pregnant, I was pregnant before, but had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. Then in some act of madness I decided to try again and so here I am....The plus side, I have a baby growing, the other side I have been in the early stages (sickness stages) for ages.

Also, I am really sick of this stupid page....I will head on back to Aussie Mama in a few weeks, just after I announce to the people in my life about bubba, as I would not like them to read it on my site.

The Eating Cow

2005-08-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

What I have eaten today...(that I shouldn't have).

A chocolate bar
A donut
A creamy yoghurty icecream thing
A handful of cashew nuts or 4
A hot chocolate or three (coffee makes me nauseous)
Some salty things....chips, crackers, salty tuna....
Lollies or candy or both
Thick warm slice of bread with real butter and hot jam....(see what a food whore I've become).
Must not eat like fat hungry cow or will become largest mammel to give birth in captivity...Also have developed aversion to weighing new 'in-baby-way' body.

Ughh

2005-08-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

Am feeling v.v.v.shitty today as have annoying offspring, demanding and know-it-all husband...and have tiny little fetus in expanding womb. Am possibly heading to Guiness Book of Records for being woman with most annoying family, yet having more children.....Also am most upset as despite constant longing am now unable to indulge in life's greatest love.....Shiraz. As result will redirect desires to refridgerator...with particular attention to chocolate drawer (as have created entire drawer dedicated only to foods with cocoa bean origin)..Will possibly rename site Aussie Chocolate.

Guess What

2005-08-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

Have been unable to write for compelling reasons.

Guess reason I was unable to attend blog for so long:

a. I was illegally imprisoned in Greek God type man's apartment
b. I was in prison for imprisoning above mentioned Greek God
c. I am pregnant and cursed with waves of sickness and ill repute
d. I was busy with uni and kids
e. All of the above

Must go now as can hear Greek God stirring in his cupboard.

Nasty girl

2005-04-06T03:45:00.000-07:00

Have developed v.nasty habit of consuming red wine when faced with prospect of evening study (aka boring bitch lifestyle). As such, all fanciful thoughts of William Shakespeare are replaced by fanciful thoughts of firemen and other fine specimens. Will look into possibility of changing degree to 'men studies', as have noticed university offers 'women studies' counterpart.

Also Kari left for camp today, therefore I was forced to place several hundred post-it stickers around abode, so as not to forget her pick up date, as am prone to forgetting teenager when mentioned teen is not in immediate vicinity.

Crouching Baby.....Hidden poopy

2005-04-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

Am in state of absolute shock and dismay, as Annie has found new pleasure in removing her nappy (diaper) and trotting around the house with no pants. As such, am on high alert and contstantly on lookout for any unwelcome deposits.

Also am v.nervous as am forced to conduct speech (aka public humiliation) about course readings, at university lecture. Reasons I am nervous:

I am worried the whole class will notice I am the only person over 30 on campus (aside from professors and grounds keepers).
I am worried entire class will think I am stupid as well as old
I am worried entire class will notice I haven't actually done the readings.

Despite best intentions, was unable to study on weekend, as Johnnie subjected whole neighbourhood to electric guitar practice with no headphones. Also Kari and Jerome decided to rent every movie from video store and then complain when they couldn't hear them.

Am v.annoyed, as selfish family are pushing me closer to gorging on scotch finger biscuits and subsequently regaining forgotten ass.

The fireman sees my brand new ass

2005-03-30T19:27:00.000-08:00

Am most excited as James the fireman brought his son for play over with Johnnie. On seeing him arrive in driveway was sent into instant panic as had not straightened hair, so possibly resembled wild & unruly bush animal. Despite curly haired set back was v.pleased as shared coffee and chat with James.

Also was able to show off my new ass.Unfortunately, Professor Mofo is in good health again and has asked me to present reading to class next week, will consider feigning tropical illness so as to avoid any further degradation.

Annie woke no less than 10 times in 10 hour period. As such cannot possibly be expected to stay awake during despised professor's lecture.

Have upped exercise routine, due to over consumption of all things chocolate.

Easter Lindt Bliss

2005-03-28T20:39:00.000-08:00

Easter was blissful Lindt affair, although was sl.annoyed as bikini neighbour hosted party and proceeded to take her guests on egg hunt through other people's gardens. However was grateful as she kept her top on.

Was v.good, as only consumed fine quality chocolate and expensive wine over Easter. Also increased exercises so as to counter any Lindt-effects on new ass.

Was pleased at university, as Professor Mofo was absent from lecture, possibly consumed poisonous eggs. As result of such welcome absence was most scholarly and chatted to Dale about readings I misunderstood (or just didn't read).

Annie was v.good as stopped midway through biting my hand, possibly now understands the errors in her behaviour. Am hoping for a new mannered baby to flaunt along with new ass.

The Whore and the Professor

2005-03-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

Am still rather peeved as entire street is being subjected to whorish antics of neighbour, such as washing car in bikini.

Reasons you shouldn't wash car in bikini:

1. Local women might mistake you for a slut.
2. Your bikini top might slip, exposing boomb-boombs to innocent children.
3. You might injure self as boomb-boombs are wobbling around near metal working parts.
4. You risk being mowed down by vengeful whore-hating women.

Also said neighbour has now revealed scanty sleep attire to neighbours by continually 'popping' out to her car to fetch things. On seeing such vagrant sluttery was v.mindful to make sure Mark was inside.

University has turned to hell on account of new lecturer who has earned the nick name 'Professor Mo-Fo'. The said professor was v.rude and continually inquired as to why I hadn't completed my readings. Was v.polite and therefore resisted rude retort, such as; 'Oh because I have a life, a baby, kids, a spouse, a harlot neighbour, a new ass and I'm tired.'

2005-03-23T19:19:00.000-08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Bikini Hussy

2005-03-22T01:00:00.000-08:00

Am slightly annoyed, as on pulling into my driveway I noticed I my hussy/neighbour was washing her car in v.tight and far too sexy, red bikini. On seeing such vagrant show of plumped sluttery was tempted to roll down window and shout,
'Put some clothes on, we're good people here....we don't need to see that hussy stuff.' Also was tempted to jump from my vehicle so she might see my new ass and put herself away.
However, am kind neighbour, so instead offered weak wave and feigned smile to neighbourhood harlot.

As result of bikini antics will be on lookout for future temptress activities on street.

Also, university is driving me nutty, as is Annie.

The Fireman

2005-03-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

Am v.happy, as saw fireman from distant past, changing flat tyre at school. Despite almost mowing down crossing attendant, I was v.kind and stopped to offer assistance.
'Hi James, do you need help,' trying not to ogle, as he has taken shirt off, probably to show off brawn, or to limit grease-monkey effect on clothing.
'I think I got it covered,' barely.
'Right, well is there anything I can do?' massage...role play......moral support?
'It fine, you don't want to be doing this. How have you been, Billy's been itching to play with Johnnie,'
'I'm good. We need to get the boys together then,' using all inner strength not to reach out and touch tanned muscular arm.
'Sure, what about later in the week then,' hoisting wheel off in raw display of masculine power, causing me to almost squeal in delight and curse self for not bringing video camera.
'Sounds fine.'
'Great. I'll call you then.'
'Okay,' stalling, as am happy to delay departure, so as to watch tyre changing hunk and go late to university lecture.

As result of tyre liaison was late for university, but v.happy.

A Very Fancy Lady

2005-03-17T20:39:00.000-08:00

Am having fabulous skinny week due to previously lost kilo, plus fancy new university clothes, as such, am unable to stop swaying hips and swankering around campus grounds. As possible result of new confidence have attracted all sorts of attention from male scholars. Also, sat next to younger man in afternoon tutorial. His name was Dale and although young enough to be my kid brother, he was a little bit sexy with dark, due for haircut hair, and young firm muscles. Will possibly seek help if depraved thoughts continue to interrupt normal conversation/thinking ability.

Also, Kari asked if she can stay at Jerome's house as they are studying, I replied,
'Kari I might look younger than my age, what with my new figure, but I was not born yesterday, teenagers do not study together.'
She wasn't very happy but I have assured her she will get over it.

Annie was a very good girl and slept all night, although she did spit her breakfast all over my fancy university clothes, possibly annoyed that I get to dress up and she goes to the MIL or worse....my mother.

Have continued with exercise regime and am now taking all opportunities to exercise. Places I have exercised in the last 24 hours:
Squats in the kitchen, whilst peeling potatoes.
Lunges in the bedroom, whilst choosing tomorrows outfit.
Butt squeezes whilst pretending to read.
Bicep curls whilst carrying the fat baby, aka Annie.
Shoulder rolls while ironing clothes, (although sometimes problematic as rolling has eventual effect on ironing impact).

Have still been a little naughty over consumed ration, which equates to two glasses of wine and ten pieces of chocolate per person per day.

The Pregnant Princess

2005-03-15T19:10:00.000-08:00

Hip Hip Hooray.....Hip Hip Hooray......Am absolutely over the moon, as Princess Chloe, aka the office-bike, is pregnant. On hearing such slimming news was hardly able to contain unabashed glee.
'Oh who's the daddy, or doesn't she know?'
'Her boyfriend,' spouse looks at me all shocked and clearly bewitched by whorish magic.
'Right yes, naturally,' was v.charitable, therefore omitted part about 'which' boyfriend.

As result of such hallelujah inspiring news, am v.happy, and subsequently looking forward to the following:

Chloe feeling nauseous and then vomiting.....again...and again...and again.
The royal ass growing, whilst mine continues with incredible shrinking journey.
Chloe being home with the kids and her husband working in a den of skinny typing harlots.
Chloe's life revolving around school, bottles, sultanas and cute children's entertainers (specifically the Wiggles).

As result of indulging in above thoughts am barely able to refrain from rubbing hands in glee.

Also, commence new lecture tomorrow, hopefully will be v.interesting, so as to keep me from public sleeping.

2005-03-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Wine Me...Dine Me...

2005-03-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

Spousal kindness has risen to new heights, as Mark was v.romantic during offspringless evening.
The said spouse prepared a sumptuous meal of chicken and fancy schmancy vegetables and then made my dessert weakness.......lemon lime brulee, possibly in desperate effort to win bedroom favours.

Also purchased favourite and v.expensive wine, which I consumed in greedy wine-whore manner. Despite this flamboyant dinner arrangement, Mark was insistant he was just making time for us, as opposed to just trying to get me into the marital sack.

Will be very careful to keep children home in future.

Oh Shit

2005-03-14T01:05:00.000-08:00

Am all awash with apprehension, as Mark, aka the Spouse who Doesn't, has booked all the children with the MIL and is planning a romantic night for us. Oh Shit.

A whole new ass.

2005-03-12T19:34:00.000-08:00

Am in absolute bliss, as have lost an entire kilo of chubby thigh, hopefully relocated to Princess Chloe's ass. Also Mark has been very good and cooked dinner all weekend, possibly fed up with my clever variations on Jamie Oliver.

Annie is walking for longer periods causing entire family unit to break out into sporadic bouts of applause, as all are pleased to finally see her off the floor, possibly secretly hoping this will be end of her disgusting baby habits.

Also, university lecturer is absolutely insane, as he expects me to read the entire Jane Austen book in one week, and then write fancy languaged summary. Luckily I refrained from giving him fancy language at the time of his request. At such a rate will surely end up dux of class.

Kari has raided my wardrobe and stolen my new reading shoes, also persists in asking to use my red university tote, have informed her she too can have red tote when she goes to university.

Blog roll

2005-03-08T22:58:00.000-08:00

Does any one know how to insert that b#@^$*@ blogroll, I am having no end of trouble, it just will not show up...help me

A Look into Literary Hell

2005-03-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

This is what I am being forced to read for university right now.

Read and pity me:

This way for the Gas, ladies and gentlemen, by Tadeusz Borowkski (very engaging but highly depressing). He is a polish writer who lived through a Nazi death camp, this is a collection of short stories about his experience.
Emma by Jane Austen
To the lighthouse, by Virginia Woolf
Richard III, by William Shakespeare
The Golden Age, by Louis Nowra
Three Plays by Asian Australians, by Anna Yen

Have spotted first university whore on campus, she sat in my lecture today and was all blonde, beautiful and annoying as she persisted in asking vague and meaningless questions, she was given answers, to which she responded,
'I just don't get it,' luckily I was able to refrain from leaving my seat and slamming her head into the table, whilst repeating 'you're not supposed to get, it's William Shakespeare, now shut up.'
Blonde bimbo possibly engaged in such aggrivating manner so as to attract attention of all males within 2kilometre radius. As result of such vagrant display of feminine wiles was forced to scratch initials on table with bare finger nails.

Annie has recommenced with previous antisocial behaviours such as biting, multi-pooping and generally behaving in babyish manner. Kari is teenage dirtbag in full swing as now ignores me on regular basis, Johnnie is 8 and acts as such.

Also, have found wonderful way to exercise, by tightening oversized bottom whilst sitting in lectures, very tiring and somewhat distracting, but all the same good for the toosh.

The Birthday Girl

2005-03-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

Birthday weekend was particularly delightful, despite awful realisation that I am now 34, and still harboring fat-bottom genes, that prevent me from fitting into my thin-bottom jeans.

Family and offspring were especially kind and offered all manner of gifts for occasion, as result received many nice things.

Gifts included:

Two Alison Krauss CDs
Four novels
New sexy pajamas (to wear only if spouse is out of town on business, as they are my gift not his)
A bottle of ‘Envy’ perfume by Gucci.
Fancy refillable pen

Also, spoiled self and indulged in shopping trip with Nicky, as result purchased new university clothes and a new pair of comfortable reading shoes in soft camel colour.

Mark was especially thoughtful and took me to wonderful Italian café where I was able to fit in with other patrons and guzzle red wine all night. Also was sl. annoyed as overzealous spouse spilled red wine on my new white top, causing entire restaurant patronage to stop conversations and momentarily stare at birthday twit with red wine on top. Was v.fortunate as friendly Italian waiter rushed to our table.

‘Oh madam, I am so sorry for you, here come with me and I can help you get that out,’ waiter has Italian and Australian mixed accent.
‘Oh it’s alright,’ looking for the ground to open, so I might jump in.
‘Really, come along quickly, we can have that fixed easily, offering a smile to sheepish spouse and ushering me to the kitchen.
‘Here put this on, I will get soda water on that straight away,’ passing me scrappy looking chef’s shirt and dark eyed concern.
‘Humph,’ finding corner and peeling off red wine soaked top and buttoning up chef’s overcoat.
‘Go and join your husband, I shall let it soak a while,’
‘Great, in my chef’s shirt, this is really a good look,’
‘You look fine, already pouring water onto red blotches.
‘Thanks,’ swinging hair indignantly and joining moronic spouse.
All was forgiven when the waiter returned with newly white, although slightly damp shirt.
Apart from his annoying wine swooping gestures Mark was very nice and hardly annoyed me all night.

Also, received birthday card from James, the absconded fireman.
‘Happy Birthhday,
Thinking of you,’
xx J

As result of card was forced to wonder what might have been, or possibly might yet be.

Despite festivities was very good, as jogged twice around block and refused dessert at restaurant, mostly because Italian waiter was serving and I was afraid of re-staining newly white top with lashings of chocolate sauce.

2005-03-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

Oh why did God invent William Shakespeare…Why?

Have finally managed afternoon away from torturous educational institution, aka, the University of Hell. As result of such long attendance hours have become boring and void of any humour or vibrant life force.

Also Annie has been very good as she spends most days with her Nana, instead of her bitter and handsome-man-seeking mother, as such she has stopped biting and now only poops once per day.
Kari is enjoying the freedom of having a busy mother, therefore spends most afternoons with Jerome instead of studying, doing chores and generally being nice teenager.

Have attended all classes now and have still not met a single university hunk, as result of such vagrant let down, will have no choice but to study at university.
Have not seen or heard from James, no doubt he is in arms of bevy of beautiful women and therefore is well over me.

Will attempt to spend time on weekend purchasing new university clothes, in vain attempt to brighten days and lecture room. Also will purchase all aging creams on market, as am 34 tomorrow, and need all assistance to fight aging curse.

Despite grueling educational schedule, am still very good, as jogged ten minutes and walked up university flight of stairs twice, despite struggling to carry heavy red tote filled with intellectual type readings. At such rate will be fittest and most clever old person on campus. Also am very pleased as have not sighted a single whore on campus as yet.

New again.

2005-03-03T20:29:00.000-08:00

I am having trouble with the last template, I am having trouble staying awake whilst studying. Hell, I am even having trouble with a good name and design for the blog...any ideas? Bear with me.